


The Biggest Mistake of Your Life

by Serinah



Series: The Biggest Night of Your Life [1]
Category: Captain America - All Media Types, Iron Man (Comics), Iron Man (Movies), The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: Alternate Universe - No Powers, Angst, Angst and Feels, Breakup, Hurt Steve Rogers, Hurt Tony Stark, M/M, POV Steve Rogers, Painsgiving, Steve Rogers Feels, Steve Rogers Has Good Intentions, Steve Rogers Has PTSD, Unofficial Sequel, steve is an idiot
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-30
Updated: 2019-01-30
Packaged: 2019-10-19 09:19:12
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,637
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17598533
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Serinah/pseuds/Serinah
Summary: For the fifth night in a row, he was tossing and turning on his cot. He knew his body would give up at some point and just make him crash, but until then, he was going to lie there and think about Tony dating other people.***Sequel/remix written for story from the painsgiving series by Shi_Toyu.Thank you so much for not minding one bit! :)<3 <3 <3





	The Biggest Mistake of Your Life

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [The Biggest Night of Your Life](https://archiveofourown.org/works/17587721) by [Shi_Toyu](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Shi_Toyu/pseuds/Shi_Toyu). 



 

Steve was an idiot. It had only taken Steve one altercation on a patrol for him to realize that. It should’ve worked the other way around - he’d been right to assume his safe return wasn’t guaranteed, but instead of feeling good about keeping Tony safe from the heartbreak when something happened to Steve, all he had been able to think was that if he died now, he’d never see Tony again; he’d never feel him in his arms; he’d never touch his hair or kiss him, and that thought was unbearable.

So it was a good thing that he’d broken it off preemptively and now it was too late.

The bootcamp was nine weeks, but it was gruesome physical work and mostly, Steve managed to pour his heartache into movement and his sleep was dreamless. Next, the training for the comms job took him six months; it had been a bit more difficult, but most evenings he trained longer than his fellow soldiers. Steve spent the little of the free time he’d had, pounding a punching bag, eradicating a little bit of his doubt and regret with every punch, until his knuckles hurt and his shoulders ached, until his feet were trembling.

But Tony was fine, would be fine, and that was what was important.

Steve was determined - he was glad that Tony wasn’t tied down to someone who’d be absent for months at a time and whose life would soon be in constant danger. When he shipped out, Steve felt accomplished, acceptance of the right choice giving him peace of mind.

It was gone now, with the first ever firefight behind him. He wished he could call Tony. Just to hear his voice, just to know that there was another life out there that he was protecting by being here.

Now, as he was lying on his cot with the weather cold, but dry, the tent ceiling dark above him, he couldn’t help but think of what a complete and utter idiot he’d been to break it off with Tony. Was he being selfish now? Maybe. But Tony had loved him, had been willing to change his life for him and what had Steve done? Given it all up out of some misbegotten sense of chivalry? Mom never regretted being an army wife, and neither would have Tony.

It was too late now. The thing Tony was regretting now was dedicating almost two years of his life to a man who’d had just thrown it all away.

Every time Steve closed his eyes he saw the glint of a gun in the mountains, heard the racket of the machine gun, smelled the blood of Lit. Araujo.

It had been little over nine months since he last saw Tony, shocked, heartbroken and trying to persuade Steve to give them a chance; promising to visit Steve in a war zone, offering to make more and more ridiculous sacrifices like relocating to Bahrain or enlisting himself, which was the point where Steve just told him to shut up because they were over no matter what Tony did. It had been cruel. Steve had been cruel.

To Tony.

Steve pressed his eyes closed and turned to his side. For the fifth night in a row, he was tossing and turning on his cot. He knew his body would give up at some point and just make him crash, but until then, he was going to lie here and think about Tony dating other people. He’d seen glimpses of gossip that one time his resolve had broken and he’d had a chance to go online, but he hadn’t even read the article that accompanied the picture he’d seen. It would’ve been pointless. So, Tony was dating other people. Of course he was, he should be. It had been months. 

Even if Tony wasn’t quite over him yet, he’d be soon, or at least by the time Steve got back stateside, their relationship would just be a memory. A pleasant one, if Steve was lucky, but probably not. Maybe Tony would always remember him as the asshole who’d given up on them at the first real hurdle.

Steve rubbed his face and trying to quell his jealousy and despair, curled around his meager pillow.

Why had he ever thought that breaking Tony’s heart had been the right thing to do?

Steve was an idiot.

Regret rose up from deep in his gut and up into his mouth like bile, so bitter that he could almost taste it.

He couldn’t help but go over all the things he needed to tell Tony. How sorry he was, how he missed him, how he wanted to make love to him again. Missed the wrinkle in Tony’s brow when he was puzzling out an engineering problem or the quirk to his lips when he’d solved an issue with coding. How his feet got so cold during the night that he shamelessly shoved them between Steve’s, inevitably waking him up.

All the arguments Steve had kept playing in a loop at the back of his brain had turned stale, getting in the way of his thought process, so slowly but surely, he was getting rid of them like rubbing tar out the gears of a well-oiled machine. 

Talking to Tony in his head became a habit, but after a while Steve started wondering if the Tony he had known and remembered even existed any more. But no version of Tony Steve could think of ever fell for stupid justifications of why Steve had done what he’d done.

Yes, Steve would be too late to fix it, but it didn’t matter: Steve refused to be that bastard who, after breaking somebody’s heart, tried reconciling via phone or mail. A face-to-face apology was the least Tony deserved. Fuck, Tony deserved a ring, when it came down to it, and all Steve had given him had been a false sense of security and a heartbreak.

So what Steve had to do now was to survive this tour, get back home, find Tony and tell him that Steve had been wrong; but if Tony never forgave him, he’d understand.

It had been eight months, three weeks and five days since he last heard from Tony, crying over the phone, asking what he’d done wrong, either still drunk since their last date ever or just hungover from the two-day binge. That was the day Steve had felt the first stirrings of doubt. But no, he’d told himself back then, Tony would be fine. Tony was wonderful, he’d soon find someone just as smart and amazing and they would be happy together.

It had been eight months, three weeks and four days since Steve had to listen Tony trying to apologize for all sorts of perceived grievances Steve might‘ve had and then explain to Tony that no, he really hadn’t done anything wrong and that he’d been the perfect boyfriend.

Tony hadn't believed him.

During the nine months they’d been broken up, Steve had been shot at seven and a half times (half was because one time, he’d been standing behind Clint who’d been shot at and Steve wasn’t sure the bullet would’ve reached him or  not), almost blown up three times, almost died twice more. Every time he got scared, Steve had instantly thought,  _ No! I can’t die, I haven’t told Tony yet!,  _ and that made him brave enough to pull through, push past, get up and go forward.

He would get back to Tony. He would. Even if Tony never really agreed to hear him out properly (God knows Steve didn’t deserve to be listened to anyway), Steve would still try to tell him about his revelation and his regret. Whatever happened, Steve would try and try and keep trying to tell Tony how sorry he was until he would either be heard or handed a restraining order. Then Steve would go back and try to not get killed for the next nine months so he could return to see if Tony had forgiven him yet.

 

It had been over a year since Steve had last spoken to Tony, but he had a plan. Miraculously, Tony picked up when he phoned, and even better, agreed to meet him at a quiet restaurant to which Steve had never been with Tony before. But that was the last part of his plan that had worked out how he wanted it to.

“Are you fucking kidding me?” Tony hissed, because when Tony was angry he never yelled, his voice got lower and more vicious, his words more biting and sometimes less truthful, but he never yelled.

“No, Tony. I meant what I said: I shouldn’t’ve broken up with you. It was was a wrong decision and I’m sorry I hurt you.”

His eyebrows still drawn close, Tony nodded. “And that is… all?”

A muscle in Tony’s cheek was twitching and his eyes were full of pain and fire. Steve wanted to take the pain away, to put the fire out, to make a change in how Tony was looking at him, but he didn’t know how to do that, so he just said, “Yes. That’s all. I’m sorry, Tony. I shouldn’t have broken up with you, I know that now, but that’s done and now I have to live with it. My biggest regret is that I hurt you.”

What Steve saw in Tony’s gaze then was, indeed, a change, but it wasn’t for the better: the fire died in Tony’s gaze, turned heavy and disappointed.

“Right,” Tony said, “You’re sorry. Okay.” Not looking at Steve, he nodded to himself and stood up. “I’m sorry too,” he added, glancing one last time at Steve and left.

That was the moment Steve realised that the fire he’d extinguished in Tony’s eyes had been hope.

  
  


*.*  _ Fin _ *.*

**Author's Note:**

> It really was supposed to be a fix-it, but somehow it didn't work out. I'm sorry.  
> But thank you for reading anyway <3
> 
> (And next work in this series is an actual fix-it, if you need a HEA.) :)


End file.
